Syazwani

S

ince my husband pass away—this year ten year already—I every day same thing: morning 7:00 go coffee shop eat breakfast, drink teh,¹ then go market buy fruits, buy lunch and dinner tapao,² come home. Just so happen today I run into whole lot of old friend at the market—my mahjong friend, but now my husband gone I not much money gamble anymore—so I sit eat lunch with all of them at the Block 496 there.

Long time never see my friend, so we talk and talk. They all same story—nowadays old folks all the same. Children all don’t bother check up on them. All busy make money no time to visit father mother. Some more must take care their own children—the grandchildren—but don’t want give Ah Gong³ Ah Ma ⁴ take care, because children nowadays must go special preschool program, learn good English and maths. So all my friends, the grannies, sometimes two three months don’t see their children grandchildren. Sad, I tell you.

I lagi⁵ worse. My son migrate go Canada. My only son some more—engineer one, very clever. He work for big American company, one fine day they migrate him go Toronto. He say not his choice, but almost 15 year he stay there already, now change become citizen that side. He meet Hong Kong woman—doctor one—got two children. Last time, just before my husband pass away, we got go visit. Very cold! We go that time is October, very beautiful I tell you. All the tree red-red one. But now I alone cannot go lah⁶—old lady how can ownself sit aeroplane? All the angmoh⁷ speak English fast-fast with their slang I cannot understand. My son he ask me migrate there stay with him but I dare not stay cold country. I old, my body cannot take it. Some more I not that side citizen, I fall sick then how to go hospital? Better not.

But my son also seldom come visit me. Two year plus I never see him, and the two small one I never see since we all visit them, they baby that time. Long time my son and the wife divorce already. My son cannot take the grandchildren come Singapore because the wife only weekends then let him see them. Terrible woman. Singapore children grow up never come Singapore, how can?

Every few months my son he send photo of the grandchildren, now they all very big already. One girl one boy. The girl very smart, top the class; the boy very tall, he learning play ice hockey now. Both of them very Canadian like that. That side no sun they all fair-fair. Only speak English, no Mandarin, little bit Cantonese from the mother. (Their father side Hokkien, so by right they are consider Hokkien right? Why my son don’t teach them?)

The mother second marriage marry angmoh, so next time my grand children grow up sure jiak kantang⁸ one, also sure marry angmoh. My only grandchildren all become angmoh—really, is quite sad lah. But what to do?

Today I eat lunch outside already, so I only need tapao dinner, buy some char siew⁹ and cai¹⁰ from the uncle. Rice I can ownself make at home, easy one. I reach home one o’clock plus. I still stay four-room flat. I alone one person stay very big. Soon must downsize smaller flat, easier clean. Today afternoon hot-hot I don’t want clean, I thinking I will sit on sofa watch TV drama. Try not to sleep, sekali¹¹ I nighttime cannot sleep.

When I start primary school that time, Singapore was Japanese occupation. School learn Japanese, sing Japanese anthem.

Last time the show all is Hong Kong or Taiwan one. Nowadays the younger generation don’t follow, all watch angmoh show. Lagi worse children now they watch the Japanese cartoon. All cute-cute one, Hello Kitty like that. When I start primary school that time, Singapore was Japanese occupation. School learn Japanese, sing Japanese anthem. See soldier must bow or else kena¹² rifle to the head. Japanese that time really treat us Chinese like dog, know? Till today they still never say sorry. I at home only five minutes, I almost going to change into shorts, when got someone come knock my door. I open and see got one Malay woman stand there. Young one, maybe 20-plus-year-old only. She wear long skirt, like office skirt like that, got small leather bag, her hair tie up nice-nice. Very neat, very straight. Good thing I still wearing my blouse and long pants—imagine I wear my sleeping shorts! The girl she quite pretty, very fair one—for Malay girl.

She quite shy ask me: 

— Hello Auntie. Does Alton Lim live here?

That one my son. How she know my son? Suddenly I scared. 

— Alton long time never stay here already. Why? What happen to him?

— No, no, Auntie, don’t worry. Nothing happened, I just hoped I could talk to him.

She look at me funny-funny. Nobody know what to say. She take photo from her bag and show me.

— Is this him? she ask.

— Wah! I say. Yes, this one Alton. So young and handsome. Must be he start work that time. 20 year ago already. How you get this photo?

— I think—I’m sorry Auntie. I can’t be sure of anything, so I don’t want to say.

— Come inside lah. Come sit down, I say.

One strange Malay girl come to my house, I don’t know what to think. Always got story: 40-plus-year-old man with some young mistress. But my Alton good one, he don’t anyhow find that kind of girl. And this girl look very proper, very gwaai.¹³

I bring her inside my flat and she sit on my sofa. I go kitchen find something give her eat. Not so many people visit anymore, so my cupboard fridge all not much inside.

— You want drink? Got tea, got chrysanthemum, got water. 

— Oh, thank you Auntie. Maybe some water would be nice. 

— Sure you don’t want chrysanthemum? Cold one, I put in fridge. Better you drink. I old already drink cold-cold no good. You young you drink. Sweet-sweet one.

— Okay, thank you.

I pour the chrysanthemum tea and bring biscuit also to sofa. I give her tea and watch her drink.

— Nice? Cooling, right? Hot day, very nice.

She nod.

— Na,¹⁴ take biscuit. I eat also no good for me. I diabetes now. She take the lemon biscuit packet and slowly open. She ask, Does Alton not live here anymore?

— Long time already he migrate to Canada.

The girl she shock. Canada? she say.

— Toronto.

She look a bit sad, but also like panic like that.

— How you know Alton? I ask her.

— I don’t. I’m sorry, I would explain, but I don’t know for sure. Do you have his phone number, or some way I could contact him? His email address maybe?

So I say to her, little bit fierce like that: I don’t anyhow give people my son’s number.

I thinking if I give her Alton’s phone number and she call Alton, later he never tell me who she is. I ask him, he will say I keh poh.¹⁵ So I say to her, little bit fierce like that: I don’t anyhow give people my son’s number. Why you need to ring up to him?

— Sorry Auntie. I should explain. I think Mr. Lim knew my mother. Syafiqah? Has he ever mentioned her? 

Nowadays my memory not so good. I shake my head.

— She lives in KL.¹⁶ I’m also from KL originally.

Then I remember. My son start work that time, his company got send him go KL one year. Can it be? Oh my God, oh my God. Is it true? That moment I so shock that I almost shout loud-loud. But I remember some more and I don’t want her ask more question so it’s lucky I never shout. Such a big deal when Alton came home. What a big fuss! But until she say KL I totally forget about that Malay girl.

— What I’m trying to say is, I think Mr. Lim is my father. 

Her biscuit finish already and she fold up the packet nice-nice. Her nails very clean. She sit the posture very straight. But her face she very kan cheong,¹⁷ I scared she cry. She say:

— I don’t know. If you have any information, I’ve always wanted to know. My mum doesn’t like to talk about my father. My grandparents took care of me when I was young most of the time, and she worked hard to send me to good schools. She never wanted to talk about my father. She was so ashamed of what happened.

Can it be? Such a pretty girl, Alton’s daughter! She say some more:

— I understand if you don’t know either. But could you please give me Mr. Lim’s phone number? He would be able to say for sure what happened.

Her English so good, sound like Channel 5, like JC¹⁸ girl like that. Malay girl from KL can speak English so good? I cannot believe.

— How you find my house? I ask.

— I found a letter in my mum’s room, along with the photo, from Mr. Lim. I read the letter. It was quite short, but he said many times that he misses my mum and loves her and soon he will bring her to Singapore. The date is eight months before I was born, in 1985. The return address on the envelope was this flat. Auntie, did Mr. Lim tell you anything around this time?

So much quarreling. Alton come home after one year in KL, we all celebrate. Then we quarrel. Always have to quarrel. Quarrel one two month, but end of the day everything okay, everyone happy.

— I remember, I say. Yes. Her name I forget already. Alton come home from KL got talk about girl he meet. Talk about her a lot.

— Do you think it’s possible it was my mother?

— Possible, yes. I give you Alton number you ring up to him. Now Canada nighttime. Must wait. We all here afternoon one o’clock, there they all is morning one o’clock.

She give me small paper and pencil from her bag.

— Thank you, she say. Her eyes big-big, I scared she cry. But she also look at me and smile. She smile very pretty. She talk gwaai-gwaai one.

— You now stay Singapore or stay KL? I ask.

— Singapore. I came here for uni. NUS.¹⁹

— Wah! Study what?

— Law.

— Very clever! How many more year then finish?

— It’s only my first year here.

I write finish Alton’s phone number and give her. She try not to kan cheong but it’s like I give her winning 4D²⁰ like that. She so happy, so cute.

— You still hungry? Thirsty? Just now I tapao food. So much, I cannot ownself eat. Can open some give you. Got some pao,²¹ some vegetable, some char siew ...

Alamak.²² Aiyoh.²³

— Sorry sorry. Of course you cannot eat char siew. 

Uni student always study so hard, never take care ownself. I give you fruits lah, you take. Got mangosteen and papaya.

But she not—how you say?—offended. She just say: Thank you, Auntie, but I’ve eaten lunch already.

— You stay where? Your mother got come Singapore with you? 

— No, I stay in Hall.²⁴

— Got eat properly or not? Uni student always study so hard, never take care ownself. I give you fruits lah, you take. Got mangosteen and papaya.

— Really, Auntie, thank you, but it’s okay!

I go fetch the fruit from the fridge and put inside two layer plastic bag, tie up nice-nice. I come back and give her.

— Okay, Auntie, thank you. You’re very kind. I should go soon.

— Yes, yes, must study hard.

She stand up. She take one step toward the door then stop and look at me. She say:

— You know, don’t you? You just said it’s possible but I think you already know. That Mr. Lim is my father.

I keep quiet.

— Is it true then? That my father left my mother because his mother didn’t allow him to marry a Malay girl?

I scared look at her. I say:

— Don’t say until like that. I never say we don’t allow.

— I’m not angry, Auntie. I’m just asking you what happened.

— We just ask him, Are you sure you know what you are doing? Malay the culture very different mah.²⁵ He marry Muslim then he must become Muslim. Also don’t just say me. My husband quiet-quiet never say anything to Alton. Son very precious to him, everything must say yes. But he also tell me he not happy. Alton think-think and decide to break it off. It’s not I don’t allow.

— Okay. It’s okay, Auntie.

— It’s not I don’t allow.

— I understand. I’m not angry, Auntie.

She wear her shoes, her fingers shaking. She take the plastic bag and her own handbag and open the door. Before she leave I say:

— Sorry, just now I never ask your name.

— Syazwani.

— Syazwani ah? Very pretty name.

She smile. Thank you, she say. Can I call—she stop and look up like she trying to remember times tables like that—is it correct to call you Ah Ma? She close the latch of the grille.

— Yes. You stay NUS there, not very far, anytime can come back visit.

— Okay, I will. It’s very nice to meet you.

She look at me one more time then she turn and walk down the corridor. After one minute I hear the lift bell and the door open and close.

Today no wind, sun bright-bright very hot cannot tahan.²⁶ I lock the grille, go my room change into shorts, more cooling, then come back the sofa sit for a while. Then two o’clock my show starting so I switch on the TV.

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