on my shoulders

my autism is a disruption
to the ordinary body-

mind relationship. I know
what I should do I know how I should

sound I know the ways you want
my legs to bend, my gaze to pierce,

my cadence to unravel.
I know I am annoying you.

I know there is a circle
made of people talking softly

looking at each other.
I am trying to be a person

in the circle, just another
talking body, meeting eyes

and saying “fine, and you?”
I stand in the circumference

and the circle tightens,
leaving me behind.

I try to get a shoulder in.
everyone else manages

to slot in like a flock of geese
returning in formation

from the south. they are not touching.
there should be a space for me

but I can’t get a shoulder in.
am standing just behind

their backs blocked out like actors
in a dress rehearsal

all performing their lines perfectly.
when I did theatre

I could never find the light.
the crew would get frustrated.

“just walk forward ‘til you feel it”
they would tell me.

“you should feel it.”
I’m told the light is hot.

I performed my scenes in partial
darkness, never knowing

if I could be seen. I don’t know
why. it was just a spotlight.

just a glowing circle on the floor.
I can’t feel the light.

I can always feel the light.
I know how light should feel.