on my shoulders
my autism is a disruption
to the ordinary body-
mind relationship. I know
what I should do I know how I should
sound I know the ways you want
my legs to bend, my gaze to pierce,
my cadence to unravel.
I know I am annoying you.
I know there is a circle
made of people talking softly
looking at each other.
I am trying to be a person
in the circle, just another
talking body, meeting eyes
and saying “fine, and you?”
I stand in the circumference
and the circle tightens,
leaving me behind.
I try to get a shoulder in.
everyone else manages
to slot in like a flock of geese
returning in formation
from the south. they are not touching.
there should be a space for me
but I can’t get a shoulder in.
am standing just behind
their backs blocked out like actors
in a dress rehearsal
all performing their lines perfectly.
when I did theatre
I could never find the light.
the crew would get frustrated.
“just walk forward ‘til you feel it”
they would tell me.
“you should feel it.”
I’m told the light is hot.
I performed my scenes in partial
darkness, never knowing
if I could be seen. I don’t know
why. it was just a spotlight.
just a glowing circle on the floor.
I can’t feel the light.
I can always feel the light.
I know how light should feel.