DEATH TO ALL DARLINGS

June 30th, 2014

“Do you think she loves me?” my dad asked.

We were sitting on the porch. I had just found out his mistress had died. I had a dream Jasmine was telling me something I couldn’t quite hear and it haunted me for days. I decided to reach out to her and she told me the news.

I was angry no one told me my Axel’s mother had died. My mother made sure I wouldn’t know. She didn’t want us to know and she didn’t know how to feel about it. I was pissed she didn’t tell me. She was pissed that I sought out the information on my own. My dad was happy we were sad about the same thing.

“No,” I said.

“I thought so,” he said. “But she loved me.”

I knew exactly what he meant. The woman he truly loved could not tolerate him in the way that his ex lover could. He was creating a story around these two women. A woman who loved him as is and the woman he wanted who couldn’t bring herself to care. He spent twenty some years hoping a ghost could love a ghost.

I hated my dad forever for that.

---

July 11th, 2019

My mom, Vestine and I were rewatching Desperate Housewives. Vestine didn’t really care about the show but we liked watching tv together. Game of Thrones nights were our favourite. My mom had to rewatch the whole series before a new season came out because her memory was terrible. Before the show ended we had watched it over and over at least ten times. What a disappointment. Desperate

Housewives was one of our favourite rewatches. Which also had a terrible ending and was extremely dated but at least was always funny. She was chopping cassava. I was waiting for my uber eats delivery to show up.

“Mom,” I said. “I’m gay.”

“I don’t care Vicky,” she said. “Honestly, thank god.”

I started laughing really hard. She rolled her eyes and kept chopping.

“That’s not very nice,” I said. “I’m trying to open up to you.”

“Okay,” she said. “Congrats? I’m just glad you’re not saying you’re bi anymore that makes no sense.”

“Vicky hates men,” Vestine said. “More than anyone I know.” All of Vestine’s boyfriends were somewhat afraid of her but whatever.

“I think that if you were with a man,” Mom said. “I would feel really bad for him.” “Why?” I asked.

“Your mouth,” she said. She pressed down on the root. “It’s a scary thing.” 

---

September 18th, 2022

I liked the way Sue positioned herself. How she talked about open communication and how she appreciated when people were straight up with her and let them know how they felt. Though, I often found that Sue did not appreciate directness when it was about her own behaviour.

Sue came over to my house a couple days after our apartment’s housewarming. She told me she couldn’t come and I didn’t really mind. I hadn’t heard from her in several months and she had stopped being someone I thought about regularly. Though a couple weeks before, I saw her at a housewarming party and our interaction was strange so I checked in. She said there was nothing to worry about. She came to my house and brought violets. She asked a lot of questions about my family and answered no questions about herself. We ended up getting lunch across the street from my apartment.

“I just think that I felt weird because I hadn’t heard from you at all,” I said. “And the interaction seemed tense.” I didn’t mention she had taken me off her close friends story. Which was something she had done this past winter after she had been upset with me.

“I don’t think I need to talk about every feeling,” Sue said. “I know you’ve been through a lot of betrayals but not everything needs to be discussed.”

I agreed with Sue. I did not need to discuss this. It was enough for me that she had shut me down and did not want to answer. It was enough for me, that after interrogating me about my life she would use it as a way to deflect this conversation. I could tell that she was upset with me and didn’t want to say what it was about. If Sue wanted to quietly leave my life after making a huge deal about being in it, dissecting it and acting like she cared about it, that was up to her. It wasn’t something that needed fixing.

“This isn’t really about betrayals,” I said. “When I feel something is off I would like to fix it. If you’re saying there’s nothing to fix, that’s alright with me. I was just checking in.” Later, she would apologize for the betrayal comment and I would say no worries and mean it. I’d decided she was no longer a concern of mine.

---

September 16th, 2009

It was my first day of seventh grade. I was excited to be at a new school. Our family had moved back to Guelph this past summer. We had lived in Ottawa the last eight years. We moved to Guelph from Windsor after my father had left my mother in Windsor to find himself in Guelph. Then from Guelph to Ottawa after my father had left my mom in Guelph to find himself in Ottawa. In Ottawa he went to find himself in Montreal and realized there was no one to find. He decided we should move back to Guelph.

I sat next to a boy named Greg at the beginning of the day and a girl named Molly at the end of it. I was one of two Black people in the class and it wasn’t something I was particularly used to. I was also at an English school which I’d never been to before. It was immediately lonely but Molly was nice and I was hoping her friends would be nice to me too.

Cara sat in front of me. I liked Cara immediately. She didn’t like me at all. Every time I would talk to someone she would grab their hand and take them away to talk about me. I was so used to being bullied I didn’t really mind this. I thought she might eventually like me. And I was right. Sort of.

“I was raised Catholic,” I said. “I don’t know if I’m really Christian anymore though.” Molly nodded. She had just told me her family wasn’t that religious. I hadn’t been to a public school before.

Cara turned around to ask Molly something.

“Are you religious?” I asked.

Cara looked at me really long. She had big eyes with long eyelashes. Stern eyebrows. She was pretty in a bitchy way. Like I said, I liked her immediately.

“I’m a Jehovah’s Witness,” she said.

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means I’m a Jehovah’s Witness,” she said. Like my question was stupid. I couldn’t tell if it was. It was why I asked.

“I’ve never heard of those before,” I said. “What do you believe?”

She rolled her eyes and turned away from me.

---

September 1st, 2016

When I met Tiana I was with a girl named Jolie. Jolie was on the swim team. She could only go wild for about a month before she had to start training. I only ever heard from her between September and October and sporadically during the winter. She got a text from a guy named Charles from first year. He wanted her to come to our dorm. She said he was with me and they said we could both come after they looked me up on Facebook. Gross. We were both wearing white tank tops and jean short shorts. I had a bottle of Fireball in my hand. We walked into the dorm holding hands. Tiana was standing in the entrance. She was wearing a giant sweater, skinny jeans and a toque. A crazy outfit. It was so hot outside.

“Hi,” I said. “I’m Victoria.”

Tiana was looking up at me like I was a skyscraper about to fall on her. She had her hands in her sleeves. I thought her eyes were really pretty and then I thought everyone probably thought that about her.

“I’m Tiana,” she said.

“You have pretty eyes,” I said.

“Thank you,” she said.

“Are you Black?” I asked.

“Biracial,” she said.

“Cool,” I said. “You’re going to Charles’ dorm?”

She nodded. Jolie, Tiana and I went up the elevator together.

“Are you French?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said. “I’m from Gatineau.”

“Yo we’re french too,” I said. “I grew up in Ottawa.”

We got to the dorm room and I thought Charles was terrible. Jolie, Tiana and I sat on one side of the room. There were four guys on the other side all staring at us.

“If you were to pick between us who would you hook up with?” He asked. All the men in the room were staring at me. Insane.

“I think I’m just here to make friends,” I said.

“Victoria said all of yall are ugly,” Ty said and his friend Dan laughed. He was in paramedics school and was the campus EMT. Both Ty and Dan were football players.

Charles got mad at how I spoke and left in a huff.

“I fucking hate that guy,” I said and took a shot.

“He sucks,” Tiana said. She was sitting on the edge of my chair looking down at me. I leaned back and stared up at her. How was she still looking at me like I was about to collapse on top of her? “You’re gonna be my friend,” I said.

“Okay,”she said.

“We’re gonna hang out all the time,” I said.

“Okay,” she said, nodded and did as she was told.

---

AFTERNOON

“I don’t like him,” Tiana said.

“Who are you talking about?” I asked.

“You’re supposed to be gay,” Tiana said. “What the fuck is this plotline?”

I stood up. I was still on the deck. I walked towards her. She was still standing in the doorway. I stopped three feet in front of her. The sky was full of clouds. The sun is beaming down on us. Tiana looked tired. She was angry at me this afternoon. She was leaning against the doorway. The waves had calmed. The day was perfect. The Island was visible. I was good. We were going to make it.

“I was still bisexual when I knew you,” I said. “So enough of this ‘you’re supposed to be gay nonsense.’”

“You’re supposed to never be over me,” Tiana said. “If I knew you could feel this way about a man I would’ve never said anything at all.”

A cloud went over the sun. Making the sky overcast. My bones were aching. The day was nostalgic. I missed arguing with her. The boat was moving forward. I just had to miss her. We were going to get there. She was going to love me.

“You’re not even gay enough to talk to me like this,” I said. “When you delete the dick pic you have saved of your ex on your phone then you can talk to me.”

“You don’t know if I haven’t deleted it,” Tiana said. “You don’t know anything.” “I know you used to hold it to your chest and blame the moon for still wanting to suck it.” “Victoria!” Tiana said. She sighed. She threw her hands up in the air. “We are going to die at

sea because you can’t let anything go and you want to talk about dick. You don’t want me anymore. Call it. Call for help. Fuck the island.”

Time was still here. The waves were gently hitting the boat. I was steady. I just needed to be calm.

“It’s nice when you’re jealous,” I said. “It’s proof. All I want is proof.”

“I am never jealous,” Tiana said. “Is everything about us not proof enough?” “You’re jealous,” I said. “I remember it. What that was like. It’s almost all I remember.” “Whatever,” she said. “You remember more than just that.”

“You would like him.” I said.

“You say that to everyone,” she said. “And then they don’t.”

“You would like him,” I said. “He reminds me of you.”

---

August 9th, 2022

“Does your mom like me?” Blake asked. We decided to spend the day in Queens. We were in Astoria park, We sat on a bench and looked out to the water.

“Why do you ask me that?” I asked. It felt random. I talked a lot about how my mother was right about people. She made quick and very accurate judgements. Blake told me she sounded like me.

“Your mom is like my problematic fave,” he said. “What does she think of me?” My mom felt bad for Blake. She worried about him. She worried about me being mean to him.

“She likes that you take care of me,” I said. “She thinks you’re sweet to me.” Blake looked sheepish. This was the greatest thing I could’ve said to him.

“That’s nice,” he said. “I do want to take care of you. I like to take care of you.” “She also worries about you,” I said. “Because you’ve been through a lot.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I guess I have.”

---

July 9th, 2015

Cara and I were at the mall. She was looking for clothes for a trip she was taking with her mother. She really liked H&M.

“My dad only gave me five hundred dollars for college,” Cara said. “He’s so cheap.” “I’m actually so poor that I don’t even know why that’s a problem,” I said. I wasn’t even lying. It only occurred to me how crazy that was to do three years later.

“It’s fine there’s money saved for me,” Cara said. “But he’s such a binch.”

Cara didn’t like to swear.

“No really,” I said. “He is. Nothing in this store fits me. I cannot shop here.” “Because of your boobs,” Cara said. Cara had told me she really liked my tits. This is another fun development of our last year of high school. Cara was a bicurious Jehovah’s Witness. I was most of where she explored her curiosity and I enjoyed it. Some of the time.

“Well I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe. It all just fits weird.”

“It’s your boobs,” Cara said. “Also fix your top now.”

“Stop staring at my tits,” I said.

“I am not staring at them,” she said. “They are staring at me.”

---

September 4th, 2009

We just moved back to Guelph from Ottawa. We hadn’t been here since I was four and Vestine was three. We were now twelve and eleven. It was bedtime. We were staring up at the ceiling. “I worry I won’t make any friends in school,” I said. “I don’t know if anyone will like me.” “Well you’ve been bullied a lot,” Vestine said. “So you should worry about that.” “Yeah,” I said. “Maybe I should.”

“What do you think I should worry about?” Vestine asked.

“Well you’re kind of a bitch,” I said. “But also mom thinks you’re gonna have a drinking problem because you like bubbly drinks.”

“Yeah,” Vestine said. “I tried beer before… you know what you should actually worry about?”

“What?” I asked.

“Every time I look at you it’s like… you’re waiting to explode,” she said. “You’re like one giant ball of screaming. I think that eventually you will explode and have a psychotic break of some kind.”

“I don’t want that to happen,” I said. “How do I make that not happen?”

Vestine shrugged. “Beats me,” she said. We both laughed.

“What do you think will cause the break?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Vestine said. “But one day you’re gonna reach a breaking point and it’s gonna get ugly.”

“I wonder what’s going to happen to me,” I said. “I hope you’re wrong.”

“Me too,” she said.

---

August 15th, 2021

Sometimes I made Blake restless on purpose. Sometimes I wasn’t confused. Sometimes he had a girlfriend and he was being an asshole.

We were sitting outside on mine and Jack’s porch. We were supposed to be writing. He had music playing. He kept going back between freeform jazz and suburban friendly violent rap music. I couldn’t concentrate. He was smoking. I hadn’t started smoking yet.

“You know Victoria,” he said. “I like when people are direct with me.” He was staring at me. I looked up from my computer.

“Yeah,” I said. “That’s nice.”

“I like when I’m talking to a girl,” Blake said. “And she just fucking tells me she wants me. You know when she’s like fuck me right now.”

“Was Diane direct with you?” I asked. Diane was his girlfriend.

“I’m speaking generally,” he said. “That’s what I like.”

“I’m glad that’s what you like,” I said. I started typing nothing on my keyboard. Blake sighed. It was really hard not to burst out laughing.

“I find it hard to be direct with people,” I said. “I’m quite happy alone.”

“You’re a tease,” he said. “You’re an emotional slut.”

“How can you say that to me?” I asked. I was laughing.

“You just say people at work are cute,” he said. “You just don’t do anything with your feelings. You are a heartbreaker. I can see this about you. I bet all your exes are heartbroken about you.”

I stared at him. I tried not to roll my eyes. I tried not to say anything at all. His face was hard. He was upset and he wasn’t going to say why and I wasn’t going to ask.

“You are so mad at me,” I said. I was smiling.

“Because I love you,” he said. He was not.

MBABAZI (MEANING—

I like that everybody thinks I look like my mom until they see my aunt the ability to steal a face is more than just a likeness all the women in my family are disinterested in men they sigh to the same degree my sister talks like me when she is bored or angry or leading a man to his doom all of my uncles are afraid of my aunt the way my brothers are afraid of me tantine and I know that a woman who is self

righteous is a woman who will not be fucked with I leave woman behind and become a king when I come home my father looks at the ground and picks up my things the way he used to command attention the way my fear was coloured with his face the way God sits in his last name and in his eyes

he shouldn’t have named me mercy he is cursed with a daughter who remembers everything in order to forgive it he is cursed with a daughter who cannot forgive him the key to heaven is a girl who refuses to be one the key to heaven is a girl who shot god at the knees all the women in my family are looking to rid the world of something I fall in love and find truth I fall in love

and realize love is godless heaven is a kingdom I have no business in but I am a king in my own right I pull out my father’s eyes he is blind to all I’m becoming he can’t see how heaven is bloody how it sits in the palm of my hand)

         2. Is that allowed to be true?

My favourite Morgan Parker poem is the one you showed me. I think you have good taste in everything. I like you. I think this is allowed to be true. I like that you ask questions as tests. It says you are sure you are right about everything. Do you think that’s true? You are not tolerant. I also like this about you. You once said you didn’t find a girl interesting on a date because she couldn’t keep up with your thoughts and talk as quickly as you do. I find this funny about you. I find you funny. That is allowed to be true. I knew it was probably not a good idea for us to be close when we had a three hour conversation about why I would say you were dorky. I’m dorky. You are not dorky. This is to say you are flawless and I am not. I do not think this is true. When you are threatened you talk about space as a solid. You are taking it from me and holding it with me. You will not think this is true. You centre yourself between Black people and fabricate a closeness you can not feel because of your inability to speak directly. You will not like that this is true. You could never tell me what the problem was because you were mad I didn’t get on my knees. Is that allowed to be true? Danaerys I’m so sorry I couldn’t do it. Those who follow you get their heads chopped off. You won’t even know how this is true. You could never tell me what the problem was because I asked you and you don’t like to be tested the way you test people. Is that allowed to be true? You never got to know me outside of the bad things that happened to me. Can you tell me that’s not true? You didn’t know what to do when you realized I wasn’t a Black girl you deemed worth saving. This I know to be true. You won’t be sorry about any of it. It’s okay that that’s true.

November 25th, 2014

“You looked really cute today,” Cara said. She liked to flirt with me over the phone. Nothing was ever said in person. Over text or over the phone. “I thought about fucking you in the bathroom.”

“What if we just did it?” I said. I felt especially bold. “Get it out of our system.” 

“Ew,” Cara said. “I will not let you be my first kiss.”

There is a version in which this is hurtful: because I was a guy she was embarrassed to like, and not because I was a girl, and she may be sent to oblivion for thinking these things about me. 

“Okay fine,” I said.

“What if we jacked off in front of each other?” she asked. “That way I’m not breaking any rules.”

“No,” I said because that seemed awkward. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted her to want to kiss me.

---

December 20th, 2021

I couldn’t sleep. I looked at my phone and saw I had missed a call from Blake. It was two in the morning. I called him back.

“Hi,” I said.

“Sorry, I called so late, I just, uhm,” he said. “I just missed you.”

He was embarrassed. He was back in Texas with his parents. I was in my room ruminating. 

“Aw, I miss you too,” I said. “How are you?”

“I’m good,” he said. “What have you been up to?”

“Well,” I said. “Ryanne and I are watching Insecure and they are wrong about how it’s going to end.”

“How is it going to end?’ Blake asked.

“They think Issa should choose Lawrence,” I said. “And I think she should choose Nathan.” 

“Right,” he said. “I hope she chooses Nathan.” Blake hadn’t seen the show.

“Nathan is hotter,” I said. “Also Lawrence is a bum. He’s literally a slutty bum and all he does is hurt her. Why would she choose him? Why would she forgive him over and over again? That's stupid.”

“So stupid,” Blake said. He laid down and just watched me yell. “Why would she do that?” 

“It’s so annoying,” I said. “There is no logical reason to keep going back to someone who’s a literal loser.”

“What if you love the loser?” Blake asked.

“Fuck love,” I said. “That doesn’t mean anything. He doesn’t matter. Nathan has his shit together. Nathan has a nice accent. Lawrence has a fucking baby.”

“You just don’t want to lose to Ryanne,” he said and laughed.

“Obviously!!!! I have to be right about this,” I said. “I better be fucking right.” 

“I hope you’re right,” he said. “For all our sakes.”

---

November 18th, 2023

“Sev told me he had narcissistic tendencies last night,” I said. “That's why he has to watch me.”

“Vic, you should tell his girlfriend,” Sarina said. “I feel like the picture of the cat is enough.”

“I already did that,” I said. “I'm not doing that to myself again. I told her the truth and she ignored it. I can only worry about myself now.”

“This is true,” Cai said. “It’s not Vic’s responsibility.”

“What cat picture?” Bailey asked.

“Sev sent me a picture of his sister’s cat,” I said.

“It’s so crazy that he did that,” Sarina said.

“I know,” I said. “He said Valo was a sweetie pie.”

“You sent him a picture of Valo?” Sarina asked. Valo was my cat.

“Vic, why are you in the talking stage with your stalker?” Bailey asked.

---

September 30th, 2005

“I am never going to fall in love with somebody else,” my mother said. She’d gathered me and my siblings in my room. In hindsight, earlier in the day, she had taken us with her on a date with a white man. At the time, I just thought we had gone to Arby’s with some white man.

“Maybe I won’t be with your dad again because he’s with her,” she said. “But I won’t bring anyone else here. I’m never going to love anybody else. I won’t do that to you.” I didn’t know loving was something you did to someone. I thought it just happened. 

“What if you fall in love?” I asked.

“I won’t,” she said. “I’m only ever going to love him.”

---

October 12th, 2023

I was sitting on the porch and smoking a cigarette. Vestine came out of the house with her bong and sat next to me.

“Remember when we used to sit out here,” I said. “And just like wonder what school was going to be like tomorrow?”

Vestine nodded and took a huge rip of her bong.

“Yup,” she said before hacking.

“You just drooled,” I said.

“Yeah,” she said. “That happens.”

Vestine moved back into our mother’s house after she lost her job. Mom was fully against having her here. She didn’t like Vestine’s dog. We got in multiple fights on the phone about letting Vestine move back in. She wanted her to go to a shelter. She finally caved a couple weeks ago. 

“Are you dating anyone?” Vestine asked. “What is your love life like?”

“I don’t have one of those,” I said.

“I don’t believe that,” she said. “You’re not banging anybody?”

“Uh no,” I said.

“You should get out there,” she said. “Get some penises or vaginas.”

I sighed. Deeply. 

“You’re right, that made me uncomfortable too,” she said. We looked out at the park. A man with a bunch of cans in a cart was struggling to push it forward.

“That was going to be me,” Vestine said. We both started cracking up. Vestine was laughing so hard there were tears in her eyes.

“She was really going to leave you out there,” I said. I couldn’t breathe.

“I know,” Vestine said and laughed. “It’s not funny, but it’s really funny.”

---

SEV AND DAMSEL

Sev was not all bad. He left me a window in the tower he locked me in. He gave me a beautiful princess gown like how princesses wear princess gowns. It could be pink, blue, or purple— whatever colour theory worked best with my skin tone. He didn’t always respond when I asked him questions. He believed this was how he should keep me. It was fine. I knew in the end that Blake would save me from this world.

I could only see Sev’s eyes through the door. Sometimes it scared me, but sometimes it made me laugh. I liked it most when he spoke. It made me feel better. It was how I knew he was very sorry.

“I should’ve never done this,” Sev said. “I shouldn’t have done this.”

“I understand,” I said. “I just need you to talk to me. Okay? If you’re going to watch me, you have to talk to me.”

Sometimes he would nod, and other times he would close the gap in the door shut. I missed him when he was gone. I didn’t know how long it would take Blake to save me. I looked down and I could see him climbing the tower. Sometimes he was climbing, and other times he was smiling up at me. I wanted to help him but my hair only grew towards the sky and I was too tired to braid my hair all the way down for him. He was supposed to take care of me anyway. He could figure it out. Sev wasn’t all bad. I could stay with Sev until Blake figured it out.

“Do you have any tattoos?” I asked. “Blake has Garfield tattoos.”

Sev opened the gap. He stared. I looked down the window and saw Blake was gone again. Sev closed the gap. I sighed. I looked back down the window and saw Blake climbing. I felt better. Blake was so slow. I wanted to talk to somebody. Anybody. Sev.

“Sev?” I asked. “What happened to you? Why did you do this to me?”

He opened the gap again and looked at me. His eyes were so sad.

“He’s never going to come up the tower you know,” he said. “He’s kind of an asshole.” 

“But so are you,” I said. “Fuck you. Don’t talk about my friend like that.”

“He’s not your friend Victoria,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” I said. “You’re not my friend.”

“You’re right,” he said. He sounded like he was going to cry. “I’m not your friend and I’m so sorry.”

Oh. Oh no. I heard a thud. I looked down. The rope snapped and Blake’s head was bleeding out on the ground. Wait… Oh. Oh no. Oh I’m an idiot.

“Wait fuck,” I said. I stood up. I was frantic. “Open the door.”

“I can’t,” Sev said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do this. I shouldn’t have.”

I started knocking at the door. “Blake please,” I said. “It’s okay. Let me out. Please.” “I’m sorry,” Sev said. “I’m so sorry.”

“Blake,” I said. I started banging. I started screaming. I couldn’t open the door. “No I’m sorry, please. Please. Let me out. I can help you. Please, let me out.”

He slammed the gap shut. I turned around and the window was gone.

---

October 23rd, 2021

“What if I fucked Sue?” Blake asked. We were standing in my living room. Ten paces apart. Oh, he wanted to fight so bad.

Blake was getting increasingly tense around me. He was mad that the way I felt could affect how he behaved. When Jack came home from his hometown, he told me he had issues with letting this go.

“I think when you told him no, it really triggered him,” Jack said. “I don’t think he liked knowing you could tell him what to do.”

“Hmm,” I said. “What if you did?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “What do you think?”

“Try it,” I said. “She’s a nice person though so I doubt that will work out the way you want it to.”

“What do you think?” Blake said. “We’ve been talking for like four days now.” Sue had just asked me if I had feelings for Blake. This was a surprise. I wasn’t going to let Blake see me sweat though.

“Yeah,” I said. “I don’t know. Try it.”

He started dating Seo-yun four days after that.

---

November 30th, 2017

“So how often do you think about me?” Tiana asked. She was drunk and out of pocket. Tiana was sitting in my lap. I was feeling very anxious. I was also drunk. I felt like an asshole. I did not ask her to sit in my lap. But she looked so happy here. Fuck me.

“How often do you think about me?” I asked.

“I’m able to control it,” she said. “It’s not all the time.”

“Me neither,” I said. We were staring at each other. This girl was trying to kill me. 

“Your face is very symmetrical,” she said.

“I never really feel that way about it—“ I started.

“Sooo symmetrical,” she said.

I thought I was going to start crying. At some point I did start crying. After she asked me to pick her up for the third time. After she laid on me for the sixth time. I was overstimulated and drunk and confused. I felt like a toy. The next day I would tell her I didn’t like how that night went. How I felt like she was all over me. She would be really sorry. She would say she didn’t know why she needed affection so much. Not me. Affection. I was right. I was a toy to her.

“It’s not a big deal,” I said. I was nearly sobbing. “My feelings are not a big deal. Can you just try to be happy with your girlfriend?”

Tiana started crying. 

“I think we should break up,” she said, and then they didn’t.

---

December 20th, 2021

“Now that you guys are okay I kind of want to talk to him about why he would think we were going to get together,” Sue said. “I feel like that was fucked up.”

I hadn’t told her what Blake had actually said. It was genuinely fucked up and wasn’t at all what she would want to hear.

“What do you mean?” I asked. “I do think that was crazy. Maybe you should talk to him.” 

“Well he’s cute and I was interested,” she said.

“Oh,” I said. “I thought you weren’t interested in him?” I was trying not to overreact. Last time Sue came over she told me I should tell Blake I had feelings for him. I told her I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. I didn’t like the idea of getting into a relationship with a person who had just dated someone who racially transgressed me. That felt like bird behaviour. Even if I knew he did it to get back at me. In fact, the fact that he did it to get back at me made it worse in my head. It felt even crazier for someone like Sue to know that, to call his behaviour abusive and then to lead a conversation in this direction. This felt like a betrayal but at the time I couldn’t tell if the betrayal was because of my attraction to Blake or that me forgiving the anti-blackness perpetrated against me gave Sue the idea that she had free reign to talk about her attraction to him.

“Well not anymore,” Sue said. “But I was at the time, and I want to know why that didn’t work out.”

I didn’t want to say that he was using her to piss me off as I had already told her that. 

“You should talk to him,” I said. “If you feel like the conversation is necessary.” 

“Yeah just to see what he says you know,” Sue said.

---

November 16th, 2021

“I feel like I’m living a really shit life,” I said. “I just miss him, and also am I even a lesbian anymore? I feel crazy.”

Kenz and I were eating McDonald’s in their car. We started doing this during the summer of the pandemic. Sitting in their car and hanging out was nice. No need to find seating.

“So let me get this straight,” Kenz said. “You just went to New York and got a job, just because. Walked across the border and got a visa and that was that.”

‘Yeah,” I said. “I mean I guess.”

“Vic, I am unemployed,” Kenz said. “I am jobless. I can’t pay my student loans. If I could just leave the country and get a job, oh my god. What the fuck. This is what you’re telling me.”

“Well I’m living in Park slope,” I said. “I can barely afford to live.”

“Oh here they go,” Kenz said. “Living in Park Slope one of the nicest neighbourhoods in Brooklyn. I’m sick of you.”

“I gotta eat ravioli out of a can,” I said. “Because Blake is gone and I don’t even have money for food, my paycheque is all of my rent. I’ve been savouring fireball for a week so I won’t notice I go to bed hungry.”

“You are just doing the most random things,” Kenz said. “Also who cares if you’re still a lesbian. Look at you. You’re a lesbian. Nobody is wondering if you’re gay. No one. Blake is literally having a meltdown because he’s in love with you and you’re gay.”

“You mean it? I’m still gay?” I said. “Thanks Kenz, I really needed to hear that.” “Do you realize we are never going to be able to buy a house?” Kenz said. “What are you ever talking about?”

“We can live on a commune,” I said. “We can find a bunch of dykes and just do that.” 

"That sounds nice,” Kenz said. “And we can make sure it doesn’t get cult-y.”

“Yeah,” I said. There was a moment of silence.

“It’s probably going to get a little cult-y,” Kenz confessed.

---

November 8th, 2023

Sadie and I were fighting. I didn’t know it at the time but we would not be friends after this. I was sitting at the kitchen table. I was trying to calm down. I only had one thought. 

“I miss my stalker,” I said. Sarina looked up and tried not to laugh at me.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t the friend you needed in this conflict,” Sarina said.

“It’s okay,” I said. I didn’t believe Sarina did anything wrong. “We were all friends and I miss my stalker.”

Part of me wonders if I would’ve been less angry if I wasn’t going through this at the same time.

“You miss Blake, Vic,” Sarina said. She shortened the distance between my jokes about what happened to me and my feelings about it.

“You know I used to have a person,” I said. “Who wasn’t wrapped up in all the other people. If I was upset, I could talk to him and he was on my side with no caveats. He was my person and now I don’t have that.”

Sarina nodded, and she stood up the second the tears started welling up in my eyes. She put her arms around my neck and her chin on top of my head.

“It’s okay to miss him,” Sarina said.

“I miss him so much,” I said, and it was like my throat closed up every time I tried to breathe out. “I miss him, I miss him.”