November 25th, 2014
“You looked really cute today,” Cara said. She liked to flirt with me over the phone. Nothing was ever said in person. Over text or over the phone. “I thought about fucking you in the bathroom.”
“What if we just did it?” I said. I felt especially bold. “Get it out of our system.”
“Ew,” Cara said. “I will not let you be my first kiss.”
There is a version in which this is hurtful: because I was a guy she was embarrassed to like, and not because I was a girl, and she may be sent to oblivion for thinking these things about me.
“Okay fine,” I said.
“What if we jacked off in front of each other?” she asked. “That way I’m not breaking any rules.”
“No,” I said because that seemed awkward. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted her to want to kiss me.
December 20th, 2021
I couldn’t sleep. I looked at my phone and saw I had missed a call from Blake. It was two in the morning. I called him back.
“Hi,” I said.
“Sorry, I called so late, I just, uhm,” he said. “I just missed you.”
He was embarrassed. He was back in Texas with his parents. I was in my room ruminating.
“Aw, I miss you too,” I said. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” he said. “What have you been up to?”
“Well,” I said. “Ryanne and I are watching Insecure and they are wrong about how it’s going to end.”
“How is it going to end?’ Blake asked.
“They think Issa should choose Lawrence,” I said. “And I think she should choose Nathan.”
“Right,” he said. “I hope she chooses Nathan.” Blake hadn’t seen the show.
“Nathan is hotter,” I said. “Also Lawrence is a bum. He’s literally a slutty bum and all he does is hurt her. Why would she choose him? Why would she forgive him over and over again? That's stupid.”
“So stupid,” Blake said. He laid down and just watched me yell. “Why would she do that?”
“It’s so annoying,” I said. “There is no logical reason to keep going back to someone who’s a literal loser.”
“What if you love the loser?” Blake asked.
“Fuck love,” I said. “That doesn’t mean anything. He doesn’t matter. Nathan has his shit together. Nathan has a nice accent. Lawrence has a fucking baby.”
“You just don’t want to lose to Ryanne,” he said and laughed.
“Obviously!!!! I have to be right about this,” I said. “I better be fucking right.”
“I hope you’re right,” he said. “For all our sakes.”
November 18th, 2023
“Sev told me he had narcissistic tendencies last night,” I said. “That's why he has to watch me.”
“Vic, you should tell his girlfriend,” Sarina said. “I feel like the picture of the cat is enough.”
“I already did that,” I said. “I'm not doing that to myself again. I told her the truth and she ignored it. I can only worry about myself now.”
“This is true,” Cai said. “It’s not Vic’s responsibility.”
“What cat picture?” Bailey asked.
“Sev sent me a picture of his sister’s cat,” I said.
“It’s so crazy that he did that,” Sarina said.
“I know,” I said. “He said Valo was a sweetie pie.”
“You sent him a picture of Valo?” Sarina asked. Valo was my cat.
“Vic, why are you in the talking stage with your stalker?” Bailey asked.
September 30th, 2005
“I am never going to fall in love with somebody else,” my mother said. She’d gathered me and my siblings in my room. In hindsight, earlier in the day, she had taken us with her on a date with a white man. At the time, I just thought we had gone to Arby’s with some white man.
“Maybe I won’t be with your dad again because he’s with her,” she said. “But I won’t bring anyone else here. I’m never going to love anybody else. I won’t do that to you.” I didn’t know loving was something you did to someone. I thought it just happened.
“What if you fall in love?” I asked.
“I won’t,” she said. “I’m only ever going to love him.”
October 12th, 2023
I was sitting on the porch and smoking a cigarette. Vestine came out of the house with her bong and sat next to me.
“Remember when we used to sit out here,” I said. “And just like wonder what school was going to be like tomorrow?”
Vestine nodded and took a huge rip of her bong.
“Yup,” she said before hacking.
“You just drooled,” I said.
“Yeah,” she said. “That happens.”
Vestine moved back into our mother’s house after she lost her job. Mom was fully against having her here. She didn’t like Vestine’s dog. We got in multiple fights on the phone about letting Vestine move back in. She wanted her to go to a shelter. She finally caved a couple weeks ago.
“Are you dating anyone?” Vestine asked. “What is your love life like?”
“I don’t have one of those,” I said.
“I don’t believe that,” she said. “You’re not banging anybody?”
“Uh no,” I said.
“You should get out there,” she said. “Get some penises or vaginas.”
I sighed. Deeply.
“You’re right, that made me uncomfortable too,” she said. We looked out at the park. A man with a bunch of cans in a cart was struggling to push it forward.
“That was going to be me,” Vestine said. We both started cracking up. Vestine was laughing so hard there were tears in her eyes.
“She was really going to leave you out there,” I said. I couldn’t breathe.
“I know,” Vestine said and laughed. “It’s not funny, but it’s really funny.”
SEV AND DAMSEL
Sev was not all bad. He left me a window in the tower he locked me in. He gave me a beautiful princess gown like how princesses wear princess gowns. It could be pink, blue, or purple— whatever colour theory worked best with my skin tone. He didn’t always respond when I asked him questions. He believed this was how he should keep me. It was fine. I knew in the end that Blake would save me from this world.
I could only see Sev’s eyes through the door. Sometimes it scared me, but sometimes it made me laugh. I liked it most when he spoke. It made me feel better. It was how I knew he was very sorry.
“I should’ve never done this,” Sev said. “I shouldn’t have done this.”
“I understand,” I said. “I just need you to talk to me. Okay? If you’re going to watch me, you have to talk to me.”
Sometimes he would nod, and other times he would close the gap in the door shut. I missed him when he was gone. I didn’t know how long it would take Blake to save me. I looked down and I could see him climbing the tower. Sometimes he was climbing, and other times he was smiling up at me. I wanted to help him but my hair only grew towards the sky and I was too tired to braid my hair all the way down for him. He was supposed to take care of me anyway. He could figure it out. Sev wasn’t all bad. I could stay with Sev until Blake figured it out.
“Do you have any tattoos?” I asked. “Blake has Garfield tattoos.”
Sev opened the gap. He stared. I looked down the window and saw Blake was gone again. Sev closed the gap. I sighed. I looked back down the window and saw Blake climbing. I felt better. Blake was so slow. I wanted to talk to somebody. Anybody. Sev.
“Sev?” I asked. “What happened to you? Why did you do this to me?”
He opened the gap again and looked at me. His eyes were so sad.
“He’s never going to come up the tower you know,” he said. “He’s kind of an asshole.”
“But so are you,” I said. “Fuck you. Don’t talk about my friend like that.”
“He’s not your friend Victoria,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“No,” I said. “You’re not my friend.”
“You’re right,” he said. He sounded like he was going to cry. “I’m not your friend and I’m so sorry.”
Oh. Oh no. I heard a thud. I looked down. The rope snapped and Blake’s head was bleeding out on the ground. Wait… Oh. Oh no. Oh I’m an idiot.
“Wait fuck,” I said. I stood up. I was frantic. “Open the door.”
“I can’t,” Sev said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do this. I shouldn’t have.”
I started knocking at the door. “Blake please,” I said. “It’s okay. Let me out. Please.” “I’m sorry,” Sev said. “I’m so sorry.”
“Blake,” I said. I started banging. I started screaming. I couldn’t open the door. “No I’m sorry, please. Please. Let me out. I can help you. Please, let me out.”
He slammed the gap shut. I turned around and the window was gone.
October 23rd, 2021
“What if I fucked Sue?” Blake asked. We were standing in my living room. Ten paces apart. Oh, he wanted to fight so bad.
Blake was getting increasingly tense around me. He was mad that the way I felt could affect how he behaved. When Jack came home from his hometown, he told me he had issues with letting this go.
“I think when you told him no, it really triggered him,” Jack said. “I don’t think he liked knowing you could tell him what to do.”
“Hmm,” I said. “What if you did?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “What do you think?”
“Try it,” I said. “She’s a nice person though so I doubt that will work out the way you want it to.”
“What do you think?” Blake said. “We’ve been talking for like four days now.” Sue had just asked me if I had feelings for Blake. This was a surprise. I wasn’t going to let Blake see me sweat though.
“Yeah,” I said. “I don’t know. Try it.”
He started dating Seo-yun four days after that.
November 30th, 2017
“So how often do you think about me?” Tiana asked. She was drunk and out of pocket. Tiana was sitting in my lap. I was feeling very anxious. I was also drunk. I felt like an asshole. I did not ask her to sit in my lap. But she looked so happy here. Fuck me.
“How often do you think about me?” I asked.
“I’m able to control it,” she said. “It’s not all the time.”
“Me neither,” I said. We were staring at each other. This girl was trying to kill me.
“Your face is very symmetrical,” she said.
“I never really feel that way about it—“ I started.
“Sooo symmetrical,” she said.
I thought I was going to start crying. At some point I did start crying. After she asked me to pick her up for the third time. After she laid on me for the sixth time. I was overstimulated and drunk and confused. I felt like a toy. The next day I would tell her I didn’t like how that night went. How I felt like she was all over me. She would be really sorry. She would say she didn’t know why she needed affection so much. Not me. Affection. I was right. I was a toy to her.
“It’s not a big deal,” I said. I was nearly sobbing. “My feelings are not a big deal. Can you just try to be happy with your girlfriend?”
Tiana started crying.
“I think we should break up,” she said, and then they didn’t.
December 20th, 2021
“Now that you guys are okay I kind of want to talk to him about why he would think we were going to get together,” Sue said. “I feel like that was fucked up.”
I hadn’t told her what Blake had actually said. It was genuinely fucked up and wasn’t at all what she would want to hear.
“What do you mean?” I asked. “I do think that was crazy. Maybe you should talk to him.”
“Well he’s cute and I was interested,” she said.
“Oh,” I said. “I thought you weren’t interested in him?” I was trying not to overreact. Last time Sue came over she told me I should tell Blake I had feelings for him. I told her I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea. I didn’t like the idea of getting into a relationship with a person who had just dated someone who racially transgressed me. That felt like bird behaviour. Even if I knew he did it to get back at me. In fact, the fact that he did it to get back at me made it worse in my head. It felt even crazier for someone like Sue to know that, to call his behaviour abusive and then to lead a conversation in this direction. This felt like a betrayal but at the time I couldn’t tell if the betrayal was because of my attraction to Blake or that me forgiving the anti-blackness perpetrated against me gave Sue the idea that she had free reign to talk about her attraction to him.
“Well not anymore,” Sue said. “But I was at the time, and I want to know why that didn’t work out.”
I didn’t want to say that he was using her to piss me off as I had already told her that.
“You should talk to him,” I said. “If you feel like the conversation is necessary.”
“Yeah just to see what he says you know,” Sue said.
November 16th, 2021
“I feel like I’m living a really shit life,” I said. “I just miss him, and also am I even a lesbian anymore? I feel crazy.”
Kenz and I were eating McDonald’s in their car. We started doing this during the summer of the pandemic. Sitting in their car and hanging out was nice. No need to find seating.
“So let me get this straight,” Kenz said. “You just went to New York and got a job, just because. Walked across the border and got a visa and that was that.”
‘Yeah,” I said. “I mean I guess.”
“Vic, I am unemployed,” Kenz said. “I am jobless. I can’t pay my student loans. If I could just leave the country and get a job, oh my god. What the fuck. This is what you’re telling me.”
“Well I’m living in Park slope,” I said. “I can barely afford to live.”
“Oh here they go,” Kenz said. “Living in Park Slope one of the nicest neighbourhoods in Brooklyn. I’m sick of you.”
“I gotta eat ravioli out of a can,” I said. “Because Blake is gone and I don’t even have money for food, my paycheque is all of my rent. I’ve been savouring fireball for a week so I won’t notice I go to bed hungry.”
“You are just doing the most random things,” Kenz said. “Also who cares if you’re still a lesbian. Look at you. You’re a lesbian. Nobody is wondering if you’re gay. No one. Blake is literally having a meltdown because he’s in love with you and you’re gay.”
“You mean it? I’m still gay?” I said. “Thanks Kenz, I really needed to hear that.” “Do you realize we are never going to be able to buy a house?” Kenz said. “What are you ever talking about?”
“We can live on a commune,” I said. “We can find a bunch of dykes and just do that.”
"That sounds nice,” Kenz said. “And we can make sure it doesn’t get cult-y.”
“Yeah,” I said. There was a moment of silence.
“It’s probably going to get a little cult-y,” Kenz confessed.
November 8th, 2023
Sadie and I were fighting. I didn’t know it at the time but we would not be friends after this. I was sitting at the kitchen table. I was trying to calm down. I only had one thought.
“I miss my stalker,” I said. Sarina looked up and tried not to laugh at me.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t the friend you needed in this conflict,” Sarina said.
“It’s okay,” I said. I didn’t believe Sarina did anything wrong. “We were all friends and I miss my stalker.”
Part of me wonders if I would’ve been less angry if I wasn’t going through this at the same time.
“You miss Blake, Vic,” Sarina said. She shortened the distance between my jokes about what happened to me and my feelings about it.
“You know I used to have a person,” I said. “Who wasn’t wrapped up in all the other people. If I was upset, I could talk to him and he was on my side with no caveats. He was my person and now I don’t have that.”
Sarina nodded, and she stood up the second the tears started welling up in my eyes. She put her arms around my neck and her chin on top of my head.
“It’s okay to miss him,” Sarina said.
“I miss him so much,” I said, and it was like my throat closed up every time I tried to breathe out. “I miss him, I miss him.”